YOU WANT EASY, GET A JOB AT TACO BELL

COMPLICATIONS OF MARKETING BOOKS, my essays on, available free at http://1stturningpoint.com/?cat=17

CAVE FOR SALE

For many years now, I've owned screenplay rights to STYX, a worldwide best-selling novel by Canadian novelist Christopher Hyde. It's an action/suspense picture that takes place in caves. Lots of underground white water rafting. We've sunk a lot into screenplay adaptations, into developing the picture, and location scouting around the world. One of the cave systems we researched is the Postonia Jama in Slovinia, actually about sixty kilometers east, across the border from Italy. Today I got word that we might not be able to shoot there--but we could buy them for $20 million Euros. Only in show biz, right?

WHAT ZOETROPE THINKS OF THE BIBLE

HERE'S WHAT THE WRITER-REVIEWERS AT zoetrope.com SAY OF THE STORIES AND THE WRITING IN JOHN KLAWITTER'S THE ROGUE PIRATES BIBLE HERETICAL

Moon Boy
"An arresting new look at Jesus' early years that deftly in a few paragraphs characterizes the ingredients of a great man - persistence, questioning, curiosity, courage and conviction. I am sure this will be picked up soon by some hot shot and made into a film."
-Ramesh Avadhani
"I think you should be writing cartoons for Comedy Central. I liked this story a lot, and loved some of your sentences. I'm looking forward to reading more tales from the Pirates Bible."
- Barbara Milton
"Hallelujah, Moon Boy! I had lots of fun with this one. Nice imagination. The use of the brothers and the two priests was well done...good stuff, easy to read and fun."
- Tim Biddlefield

Whopper
"I've been blessed on reading great stories like yours that raise the level up for all writers. Slackers check this out, you'll have a be3tter idea of talent backed up by the effort to get it right!"
- David Weber
"This is one of my favorite of the Pirate's Bible stories; it does exactly what it aims to accomplish with excellent efficiency and tight humor.
- Peter Wollman

The Leap Not Taken
"I like the concept of this piece - the idea that one might choose to dismiss signs/messages from a divine source as being crazy when in fact they are real."
- Erika Wagner
"Absolutely inspired! Very clever story! I enjoy your style of writing. While reading your work, the words flow easy-breezy. After the reader is finished, the story sticks in your mind like a catchy tune, and it isn't until some time later that one realizes how complex the tale is. "
- Lynn T. Hetzler

The Conversion
"This was nicely done...refreshing...characters likeable without pandering, intelligent without demeaning, and you're obviously well read/researched on both sides of the reason/faith razor."
- Henry S. Kivett
"It's an inspiring story...the quality of writing is excellent. Elmer's use of reason did not destroy his ability to have faith; nice ending."
- Elizabeth Collins

The 40 Virgin Valu-Pak
"This is the best yet. God's staff made up of irascible old men from all the religions known to man, that has to be a creation worth admission to the hall of fame."
- Bill Frank Robinson
"An awesomely humorous short story about what really happens to people who blow themselves up and kill lots of other people! The dialogue is excellent - I love the way St. Peter talks like some weird angelic rapper, and Muhammed's disinterested, world-weary expressions - along with his fixation with pinochle!"
- Anh Vu Doan

Stone Killer
"Very creative. I like the modern day voice set in ancient times and the nonchalant, bad boy personality of Ratboy, contrasted against the noormalcy of the narrator."
- Keith Nakatani
"Great story. I love the telling of a biblical story in modern vernacular"
- Zach Oberman

Revelation
"I found Revelation to be both a humorous and thought-provoking story."
- Terry J. Larson

Lot's Story
"Enjoyed your weaving of a bible story with other elements that, for all any of us know, could depict actual events. Also enjoyed the touch of humor throughout. Good story - it kept me wanting to read it through."
- Tom Isaacson
"This is a very original piece of work, incorporating enjoyable takes on Biblical themes as well as a sense of mystery which is rarely found in new versions of old stories."
- Oliver William Mitchell

Jesus at the Magic Castle
"...a great read, wonderfully inventive and wickedly funny."
- Larry Van Guilder
"Very witty, a clever interpretation of how a recycled Christ might translate into the present time."
- Peter Furnell
"This is very different. My first impression is one of delight."
- Faye Grey

The Next Step
"Now I got to laugh...I found this story from the point of view of an ant creditable and entertaining."
- Bill Frank Robinson
"...the concept of an awareness that bridges the here-and-now and the soon-to-be in the final moments of a creature's existence...what a pleasant welcome back to the zoetrope site!"
- Peggy McCarthy
"Karma theology and reincarnation...from the perspective of the ant as the main character!"
- Paul Bustamante

Divine Inspiration
"This is a very interesting piece of satire that works on multiple levels and made me laugh...a lot. Sometimes, while reading this, I had trouble remembering that I am a devout, Bible-thumping Christian, myself. The image of Jesus drinking coffee and creating waves for surfer-dudes while he watched them catch waves just made me giggle."
- Richard Christopher Baetens

Starbucks Jesus
"Two words: Interesting and entertaining. The whole structure of this story, the dialogues and the characters feel just right."
- Bilal Iqbal
"There are many adjectives to describe your wonderful humor. I can't decide on one so I sued 'wonderful.' Should suffice. Definitely try opium with this bad boy."
- P.H.Madore

The Walls
"I enjoyed this story very much and found it very original and well-written."
- L.R. Roarty
"Unusual, fantas6ic retelling of the walls of Hericho..."
- Cathy Salustri

NEW REVIEWS FOR MY NOVELS AT PUBLISHERS MARKETPLACE

http://www.publishersmarketplace.com/members/JohnKlawitter/

Review of HOLLYWOOD HAVOC: The Trouble With Fat Boy

Manic Readers Review
HOLLYWOOD HAVOC: The Trouble With Fat Boy
by John Klawitter
Matthew Havoc has long been in love/lust with his neighbor Bertie's high strung granddaughter Julia. Julia calls him "Idiot boy" among other things but does agree to help him since Old Gramps comes up missing and they have a hunch they know who took him and why. Add in Matt's boss, Vinnie Berger of Berger Royal pictures (aka King of the B-Movies, producer of such wonders as "Chop of Death," and "Keg's War" to name a few), Matt's ex-wife "America's Favorite Set," the bad Nigerian guys and Dim Eddie the gate guard (aptly named) and you have one hoot of a book. Turns out that Matt's dad wasn't just a screenwriter after all (who knew?) he was a bad guy himself —but on our side and he didn't die in a boating accident. He was murdered.

I usually am not fond of first-person books, but this one caught me on page one and didn't let go. The way the author keeps tossing in quotes from Matt's cruddy movies and the way the plot is finally played out make this book well worth your time. I recommend Hollywood Havoc for several reasons: the humor is fantastic and the plot is great—a new idea and great writing style. I believe the author has more of the series in the works. Should be a hit!

NOW NEW BOOK TRAILER for The Freight Train of Love IS UP ON YOUTUBE

The New Book Trailer for
Hollywood Writer John Klawitter's new novel

The Freight Train of Love, can be viewed at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nW19uAJS2s

CONFESSIONS OF A CLOSET PANTSER

I used to think I was an Outliner, but I guess I'm not, at least not as good as I once thought I was. I had this clear idea of where my next novel was going...or maybe I didn't... because at 5:30 this morning I found myself writing in circles. I staggered out of my home studio and went to the kitchen and there I started to make myself a latte. Duke snuffled by with that wet nose of his. I gave him a yummie and stood shivering in the cold morning darkness outside the back door so he could do those things he does. Meanwhile, rags of clouds scudded in front of the few distant uncaring stars available at that ungodly hour. And somewhere in that moment of chill confusion I realized I probably was a Closet Pantser, one of those smug scribblers who thinks he's got it all down pat until reality strikes with a golden gong, something like those novices, stoked on heavenly opiates, intermittently sound in the temples I've visited in Asia. So I'm going back to it now, a lot more humbled, a bit less organized, but still, plowing forward. The muse expects at least that much of me.

Bible Talk

Go to YouTube. Type in search: Rogue Pirates Bible Heretical Book Trailer Commercial
That should do it for your evening vespers.

Outliners V.S. Pantsers

It used to be classic authors compared to organic scribblers. (Of course, since Coleridge, Thomas Wolfe and maybe Henry Miller, you can't really say 'scribblers'.) Today they are called Outliners and Pantsers (who fly by the seat of their pants) The point is, if you're a writer, do you consider yourself an off-the-wall organic creative, or do you know your story beginning to end and point to point before you begin? I suppose many might say "Something in between". But that begs the question. A way to pin you down would be to ask, "Well then, WHERE DO YOU START?" You see, writers who start with an emotion or a feeling are generally Pantsters, but if you start by jotting down the main story points and filling in the lines, you're an Outliner. Is one way better than the other? I think so, but I'm not going to tell you which. Think of the writers (besides yourself) that you admire most, and then you tell me.
best,
John Klawitter

When in Danger, Brando Falls Over and Pees His Pants

Last week a reviewer complained that the hero in FOUL, my murder mystery novel, was afflicted with epilepsy. "Why does the guy have to be be epileptic" the critic whined. Sometimes, when I hear things like this, I'm ashamed for the lack of understanding. Other times, I'm angry.

Mojave Heat Chili

1 12 ounce can tomato paste
1 round jar chili sauce (you may substitute packet of powdered chili mix. However
avoid the brands that vie to be high heat. We want flavor, not death by heat.
2 lbs ground pork or two chubs of pork sausage (mild)
1 lb ground beef.
3 cans Bushes Chili Beans
3 large Mayan "sweet" onions
1 medium sized bottle mild Chipotle salsa
1 can chicken broth
1 can beef broth.

Mojave Heat Chili may be prepared in a large kettle over low heat on a cooktop. I prefer to use a slow cooker and allow it to simmer overnight.

Thin the tomato paste in the broth. Dice the onions. Brown the ground beef and
the ground pork.

Place all ingredients in the slow cooker and stir.

Cook on "high" until the onions turn (become translucent). This usually takes about
six hours. You may stir about every hour. If you cook over a cooktop, you MUST stir every hour, but this is not necessary with a slow cooker.

After the onions turn, cook on low heat for an additional hour. You may keep on low heat for up to four or five hours, ready to serve.

Serve in large chili bowls. Some (me) prefer two cut up Kosher hot dogs underneath the chili and liberal sprinkling of sharp cheddar cheese on top. Also, serve with warm sourdough bread. Red table wine is good, or perhaps a fine ale.

Do-It-Yourself Holy Water

The most common users of Holy Water are Roman Catholics. The clear liquid is provided without charge, generally in small basins at the main entrance to churches. Although it is free, the services often involve passing of the basket for monetary contributions, as well as envelopes for the organized giver, and coin boxes for those wishing to light a candle. Holy water is officially believed to remove the stain of lesser sins. Faithful also attribute healing and general health to its application.

The official position of the Catholic Church is that Holy Water is divinely copywrited, that is, it can only be manufactured by an ordained priest. While the reasons for this are said to be doctrinal, exclusive earthly patents and questions of rights have historically been subject to interpretation.

That said, there is simple recipe for making holy water that will certainly be in every physical way an exact duplicate of that manufactured by ordained representatives of the Roman Catholic Church. There is a body of evidence and speculation to indicate that this home-made Holy Water may also have physical and spiritual healing and curative powers equal to or greater than any every made.




RECIPE FOR HOLY WATER

Ingredients when combined and sanctified will create one litre of Holy Water

Ingredients:
1 teaspoon sea salt. I prefer granulated Kosher Salt for its historical
nuance and purity. However, there are medical
benefits to iodized salt as well, and you may wish
to use it, particularly if you do not eat much seafood

1 litre of mountain spring water.
The plastic sport bottle with a screw-off top is
Acceptable

Place the teaspoon full of salt on a new paper plate. The cheapest paper plates are best for this, the kind you get 1500 in a big box, because they are sanitary, and they bend easily.

Make the sign of the cross over the salt. This is done with a vertical slash of the hand, up to down, followed with a horizontal movement, left to right. As you go through these motions, say out loud or in your mind, the words, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.” For those of looser strictures who may still wish to make their own Holy Water, a raised palm of benediction over the salt, this gesture full of good intentions, should suffice.

Then, the exorcism of the salt must be exorcised. You may speak or think the following, in effect talking to the salt and telling it to shape up: “God’s creature, salt of the earth, I cast out the echo of evil by the living God, by the one true God, by the Holy God, through whom all things have their being. May you be a purified, living, heavenly salt, bringing health for those who believe. May you be a medicine for body and soul for all who earnestly make use of you. And may all evil fancies be driven far from the place where you are sprinkled. And may all unclean spirits be repulsed by the power of almighty God.”

Having driven out the evil in the salt, you next must recite the blessing of the salt: “All powerful and eternal Creator, I humbly appeal to your mercy and goodness, to bless this salt, a substance that you have given for mankind’s use. May those who use it in good heart find in it a remedy for body and mind. And may everything that it touches be lifted from all that is unclean and freed from any influence of evil. All this I ask in your Holy Name. Amen.

Next, make the sign of the cross or the raised palm of benediction over the plastic 1 litre bottle of spring water. Now the water must be exorcised:

You may speak or think the following, in effect talking to the water and telling it to be of goodness: “God’s creature, water of the earth, I cast out the echo of evil by the living God, by the one true God, by the Holy God, through whom all things have their being. May you be a purified, living, heavenly water, bringing health for those who believe. May you be a refreshment for body and soul for all who earnestly make use of you. And may all evil fancies be driven far from the place where you are sprinkled. And may all unclean spirits be repulsed by the power of almighty God.”

Having driven out the evil in the water, you next must recite the blessing of the water: “O powerful and almighty Creator, who for man’s welfare established the most wonderful mysteries in the substance of water, hearken to this prayer, and pour forth your blessing on this element. May this creature of yours, when used in your mysteries and endowed with your grace, serve to cast out demons and to banish disease. May everything that this water touches be delivered from all that is unclean and hurtful; through your Holy Name. Amen.”

Now carefully take the lid from the bottle and pour the salt into the water in the form of a cross, saying; “May this heavenly salt and water unite in harmony, in the name of the Almighty God, Amen.” This may be accomplished by folding the paper plate into a funnel and slowly and carefully allowing it to trickle into the bottle in the shape of an “X”.