Not Required Reading for Nora, Stephen, Scott or John...and maybe you...

If you've already made your bones as a writer, 

you can probably ignore my new column in 1st Turning Point.

If not, and if you have the time, it's at:

http://1stturningpoint.com/?p=5590 

Season's Best,

John K.    

CORRUPTIFORNIA

This state is so corrupt nobody raises an eyebrow that the union standing the most to lose if Meg Whitman won the race for governor managed the dirty trick of the century to pull her down, framing her for somehow exploiting a Hispanic housekeeper.  Throw enough money behind anything and you can fool some of the people some of the time: in this case, just enough Hispanics to squeak out a win for Governer Moonbeam, as he was commonly referred to the last time he failed miserably at the job.  The only honorable thing for Jerry Brown to do is to wash his hands of the whole mess and resign...oh, wait, he's in bed with the unions.  They poured in huge money to fund his anti-Meg campaign, the one with the indignation over Meg being against the poor working people of California and for the evil oil consortiums and against sweet pure air and green trees and for sending jobs to China and making a lot of money in business.  So one has to at least suspect Jerry was in on the Hispanic Housekeeper Trick in the first place.  God only knows, maybe it was his idea, that old Jesuit cunning coming into play.  Well, one good thing, the Dems have found a way to slow the tide of illegals.  With business leaving the state at a fast trot, with cities, counties and the state coffers dry and with prices, taxes and unemployment levels at record levels, nobody's going to be able to afford housekeepers or lawn snippers.  Or buy food or gas, or pay the mortgage, for that matter.

Question

Are ARCs like draft copies of CreateSpace novels?

Whoops.

Watching Miss Goldberg settle in on The Bill O'Reilly Show last night, I was reminded of that butt approaching the barbed wire bike seat in that hemorrhoids commercial that seems to run every night just around dinnertime.  

Golden State Election Results

My lib friends are all telling me, Hey JackBlackFlag, if you don't like it, go live somewhere else.  Well, I may have to.  Them, too.

Boxer, squared

Lincoln was right, You can't fool all of the people all of the time.  But Barbara Boxer is living proof you can fool most of them.

Brown, again.

Oh. Crap.

On Term Limits

The tendency for those who wish to remain in power is to bend the laws of everything to their own magnetic core.

Jerry Brown

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Barack Obama

The Wizzle of Fizzle.

Juan Williams

NPR-ed & feathered.

Joy Behar

Unwittingly, Archie Bunker in a bra

Master Song maker Mark Henderson Responds to Miff-a-Muslim Day

Hi John,
I read your MAM day blog and thought you might be interested in reading this. I saw it yesterday on a CNN comment page - it is right on.
I send my best
Mark Henderson


Should there be a mosque near Ground Zero? In fact, what is proposed is not a mosque -- nor even an "Islamic cultural center."
In Islam, every structure linked to the faith and its rituals has a precise function and character. A mosque is a one-story gallery built around an atrium with a mihrab (a niche pointing to Mecca) and one, or in the case of Shiites two, minarets.
Other Islamic structures, such as harams, zawiyyahs, husseinyiahs and takiyahs, also obey strict architectural rules. Yet the building used for spreading the faith is known as Dar al-Tabligh, or House of Proselytizing.
This 13-story multifunctional structure couldn't be any of the above.
The groups fighting for the project know this; this is why they sometimes call it an Islamic cultural center. But there is no such thing as an Islamic culture.
Islam is a religion, not a culture. Each of the 57 Muslim-majority nations has its own distinct culture -- and the Bengali culture has little in common with the Nigerian. Then, too, most of those countries have their own cultural offices in the US, especially in New York.
Islam is an ingredient in dozens of cultures, not a culture on its own.
In theory, at least, the culture of American Muslims should be American. Of course, this being America, each ethnic community has its distinct cultural memories -- the Iranians in Los Angeles are different from the Arabs in Dearborn.
In fact, the proposed structure is known in Islamic history as a rabat -- literally a connector. The first rabat appeared at the time of the Prophet.
The Prophet imposed his rule on parts of Arabia through a series of ghazvas, or razzias (the origin of the English word "raid"). The ghazva was designed to terrorize the infidels, convince them that their civilization was doomed and force them to submit to Islamic rule. Those who participated in the ghazva were known as the ghazis, or raiders.
After each ghazva, the Prophet ordered the creation of a rabat -- or a point of contact at the heart of the infidel territory raided. The rabat consisted of an area for prayer, a section for the raiders to eat and rest and facilities to train and prepare for future razzias. Later Muslim rulers used the tactic of ghazva to conquer territory in the Persian and Byzantine empires. After each raid, they built a rabat to prepare for the next razzia.
It is no coincidence that Islamists routinely use the term ghazva to describe the 9/11 attacks against New York and Washington. The terrorists who carried out the attack are referred to as ghazis or shahids (martyrs).
Thus, building a rabat close to Ground Zero would be in accordance with a tradition started by the Prophet. To all those who believe and hope that the 9/11 ghazva would lead to the destruction of the American "Great Satan," this would be of great symbolic value.
Faced with the anger of New Yorkers, the promoters of the project have started calling it the Cordoba House, echoing President Obama's assertion that it would be used to propagate "moderate" Islam.
The argument is that Cordoba, in southern Spain, was a city where followers of Islam, Christianity and Judaism lived together in peace and produced literature and philosophy.
In fact, Cordoba's history is full of stories of oppression and massacre, prompted by religious fanaticism. It is true that the Muslim rulers of Cordoba didn't force their Christian and Jewish subjects to accept Islam. However, non-Muslims could keep their faith and enjoy state protection only as dhimmis (bonded ones) by paying a poll tax in a system of religious apartheid.
If whatever peace and harmony that is supposed to have existed in Cordoba were the fruit of "Muslim rule," the subtext is that the United States would enjoy similar peace and harmony under Islamic rule.
A rabat in the heart of Manhattan would be of great symbolic value to those who want a high-profile, "in your face" projection of Islam in the infidel West.
This thirst for visibility is translated into increasingly provocative forms of hijab, notably the niqab (mask) and the burqa. The same quest mobilized hundreds of Muslims in Paris the other day to close a whole street so that they could have a Ramadan prayer in the middle of the rush hour.
One of those taking part in the demonstration told French radio that the aim was to "show we are here." "You used to be in our capitals for centuries," he said. "Now, it is our turn to be in the heart of your cities."
Before deciding whether to support or oppose the "Cordoba" project, New Yorkers should consider what it is that they would be buying.

Miff-A-Muslim Day

     Once the Gang of Righteousness got all huffy over that bitty Christian minister in Florida,  I figured I'd go after .5 seconds of fame by burning my own copy of the Koran, but I looked around the house and I didn't have one.  I tried a weekly copy of TIME magazine, but it's gotten so thin it went up right away in just one unsatisfactory flare.  By now I was a bit panic-stricken.  I certainly wasn't going to ignite my weighty Random House Dictionary of the English Language even though I do have spell-check, and it felt like a sacrilege to burn my copy of The Complete Stories of Flannery O'Connor.  One step short of dispair, I got out my Bic holiday flamethrower and was finally able to start up a Bible and a Book of Mormon in the Webby Grill.  But neither of them burned very well, they just smoldered and threw off an evil odor under the sacred black dome.  Since I was also BBQ-ing some chicken wings at the time, I was about to call the whole celebration off when my neighbors sensed something in the air and texted the fire department.  By the time the men in yellow hats came, I had both the hot wings and the reading material under three inches of water, but this is Southern California so they gave me a ticket citing me for air pollution, anyway.  

     Never one to give up on a questionable course of action, I figured I still had  time to get in on the Miff-a-Muslim deal, so I went down the street to the local mosque to see if they would sell me one, but since I've last been by they've built up that place like a fortress.  No kidding, double fences, block walls, and the fortified house of worship is dug in on a hilltop in the first place.  I haven't seen such a defensive perimeter since the Fearsomed Foursome, The Purple People Eaters, and the zap-topped 35 foot high double cyclones around the National Security Agency's TOP SECRET Codeword Puzzle Palace. Even with all that, there were no armed guards and it looked like I might get in if I could physically hoof it up the steep grade and squeeze in the big iron gates which were invitingly a few feet ajar.  But then I theorized I might have trouble getting back out, particularly when I explained I was there to help celebrate International Koran Burning Day or whatever the hell the dipsy-doodle reverend from Gaterland was trying to do.   

     He may be crazy, but MAM Day does make some sense if you see value in poking hornet nests.  Actually, there is some merit in it, if only as a reality check.  Hornets are temperamental, they do sting and they can kill you.  You and I know this, but most of the joyful social curtsy bunch that constantly maneuver to do all our thinking for us seem to think otherwise.  They have forgotten that, while we believe all men have equal rights, some of the new folks who have moved in next door are intent on replacing your and my values with their own.  Although trans-continental, this isn't one of those metamorphic processes that takes place over geologic epochs...it's happening here and now.   So maybe MAM Day isn't as wackobird an idea as it sounds...unless you like the alternative, which would be to retreat to some other largely unoccupied New World where we can practice the freedoms we came here for in the first place. I think there's still Antarctica.  Maybe we could thaw Greenland or drain some place that's only a few feet under the ocean, like the Dutch did.  Does anybody own Tierra del Fuego?

        

Nam Vet Jack Waer Passes At Age 75

Twenty Seven year U.S. army veteran Jack Waer served a total of 9 years and 11 months in Southeast Asia, beginning in 1954 when he was parachuted as a U.S. Ranger 'observer' in to Dien Bien Phu.  Jack, known affectionately to his friends as "Crazy Jack", served as a linguist, translator and ASA intelligence specialist, earning a bunch of medals including six purple hearts.  A patriot and loyal friend, he will be missed.  Some few
short stories of his military experiences that he authored are published in TANS (amazon.com)

Jack Waer at Cu Chi

It's Only A Game

I read on Drudge today Tiger Woods is settling his divorce for 750 million.  If the reports are anywhere near accurate, he had affairs with 17 ladies.  Assuming my math is correct, that amounts to roughly 44 million for each adventure in infidelity.  I predict a return to a new, better Tiger on the course, one with ice in his veins.  What?  Me worry about a lousy putt that might only cost me 2.5 million? Don't be silly, fool.

EXTINCTION dramatic short

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCKNUi1A-GA

Save a whale and chop a tree.  Stop drilling and put a giant windmill on your lawn.  Whatever, the choices aren't easy.  And sometimes we don't think them through.  Take the case of Miss Twillinger, high school biology teacher.  Filled with pride at being on top of the food chain, and with responsibility to safeguard the planet, she heads to the desert to 'save endangered species.'

I know there are those of you out there who will beg off, "nobody is that naive."  You could be right, but I have observed tree huggers, and there seem to be no mirrors in the forest.

best,
John K.

THE FIRST PODCAST

Supposedly there exists a 'wax cylinder' audio recording of Alfred Lord Tennyson reading the first stanza of "Charge of the Light Brigade".

LET'S NOT GO ALL CRAZY HERE

Stephen Hawking is truly one of the wonders of the world.  But his recent interview suggests he falls a few ticks shy of god status.  The "big draw" of the interview was his comment to the effect that there "may be" aliens out there, and they may not like us.  But the centerpiece was the series of questions he posed:  Where did we come from?  In other words, how and why did the universe come into being?  Are we (as sentient beings) alone in the universe?  Why are we here?  That is, what is our purpose for being here?  Where are we going?  

Big, important questions.   The answers...well, he didn't really give any.  His conclusions seemed about the same fustered mulling as the average intellectual's, whether religious or anti-god, and actually resembled the sort of conjecture you or I might come up with after our 2nd glass of wine.  Stephen thinks chances are there are alien creatures/cultures out there.  Well, so did the producers of The Blob and War of the Worlds. Taking the other side, he notes there is no concrete evidence of such visiters...not exactly news.  However, noting the billions of star systems and millions of planets out there, he gives a nod to the probability.  As to who we are, what we are doing here and where we are going... well, he did ask the right questions, the same ones people everywhere both  ordinary and famous have been asking since the dawn of time.  

So tonight, looking up at the stars, let's raise a toast to Stephen Hawking, for his courage in the face of adversity, and for his honest curiosity.  And then a toast to each other for the same.  And, powers that be, forgive us if we don't genuflect.

Indians, Missionaries, Pioneers, Developers

When the Europeans came to the Midwestern United States, the views of the missionaries must have been discomforting to the shamens of the Iroquis Nation.  But they were hunting souls, not land, so it was a curious but not society-shaking intrusion on their way of life.  When the pioneers came, cut and cleared the forests and plowed the land, that was a revelation of a more serious order.  Who would have known that, barely two hundred later, many of the farmer-descendants of those original settlers would be forced off their land by incorporation and development?  On a basic level, there's probably not much difference between an American Indian who has lost his way of life and an American farmer who has lost his.

THE LYING GAME

The way I understand it, Jacquie Rogers has tagged me and now I have to tell 6 truths and one lie or six lies and one truth, people guess and the winner gets something.

Okay:

1) Natalie Wood once teased me about her special silk French panties.

2) Director Brian Forbes was furious with me for telling the truth on the set of our Jacquie Bisset Lux Beauty Soap shoot.

3) I wrote song lyrics for Disney's NBC Show, "Disney's Wonderful World" and they still run in Eastern Europe and other places.

4) Steve McQueen and I had a shootout over money and I lost big-time.

5) I optioned my screenplay STYX based on Chris Hyde's world-wide bestselling novel not once but twice..

6) Rod Serling was supportive and friendly to aspiring young writers.

7) When Disney did ads for Watcher in the Woods they warned family audiences to stay away because it was too frightening.  

So if you get it right, you will win a rare DVD copy of my dramatic film short "Extinction," which I'll have to hand-produce and snail mail to your address.  

So Why Do I Record My Books as Audio Books?

Historians say Lincoln had a high pitched and reedy voice, while Stephen Douglas had a powerful bass.  Too bad nobody recorded any of that.  What kind of voice do I have?  You can hear free samples of the thunder and the magic by going to audiobooks.com and typing "John Klawitter" in the SEARCH box.  Once you get to the page featuring my books, there are free samples to awe your auditory sensibilities.  Man, don't you wish Abe had his own page on audiobooks.com?

New Book Trailer HOLLYWOOD HAVOC: The Trouble With Fat Boy

I've just put up a new book trailer for HOLLYWOOD HAVOC: The Trouble With Fat Boy, my EPPIE AWARD WINNING action/thriller novel.  It's running on YouTube, but you can see it by clicking below.

See what kind of trouble Matt "Hollywood" Havoc is in.

AVATARIC GRUMBULATIONS

I know some disgruntled sci fi addicts have been arguing Avatar is too 

much like Dances With Wolves (and a few other pics).  In my opinion that's 

an unfair comment in this age of genre driven entertainment.  I didn't 

hear any outcry that The Hurt Locker was too like The War Lover or The 

English Patient or Platoon.  

Was Avatar a perfect picture?  No, of course not.  Every picture fights

production realities from the moment it is green lighted.  But you have

to think it broke new ground in filmic directions as did Kubrick with 2001.

Was Avatar some revolutionary new story concept?  No, but I don't know 

how you can say that about any story since the Greek theater.  

As those who are grumbling about  a 'waste of millions upon millions of 

dollars', what's that all about?  Wasted on what?  The production of 

Avatar certainly employed a lot of people in this business for a long period

of time, and it was financially successful and so the filmmakers

live another day to make more pictures in the uncertain and fickle 

entertainment industry.

Go Nuts!

WRITERS QUIETLY OR SECRETLY HIRING OTHER WRITERS TO WRITE FOR THEM

An author who hires ghosts to do the actual writing under his name makes a statement about himself, his work, the publishing industry and readers who accept the practice.

James Patterson (who reportedly assembles novels in this fashion) isn't Hemingway any more than genre writing is great literature. Still, pure genre writing has different standards than classic literature and arguably a different purpose.  Higher?  Lower?  Depends on your point of view.  Is the man who paints a house any less noble than the man who paints an oil of a pot of swirling sunflowers?  Some might say so, seeing the sunflowers are worth millions while the painted house is, well, sitting there fading in the sun.  You pick; it's your POV.

Publishing, regardless of what you've heard, is a business, and house painters generally make lots more than struggling novelists.  So, again, who is more noble?  And since publishing is a business, just how does nobility apply in the first place?

Patterson is popular and successful, so whether or not he writes by assembly line, paint by numbers or connect the dots, I don't read him, so I don't care how he manufactures his novels.  He's found his way just like Henry Ford; it works for him, it works for his publishers, it works for his readers.  As a scribbler myself, doing it his way would make me uneasy, but that doesn't tell you much because I don't collaborate well.  I find it too crowded for more than one at the keyboard.  You too, maybe?  My partner barely taps a sentence in and I'm struggling to get past his or her elbow to the delete key.

That said, have you read Vincent Lardo's attempts to write "Lawrence Sanders" Archy McNally detective novels?  I place the name Lawrence Sanders in quotes because poor (rich) Lawrence is dead and yet the publisher has put the deceased author's name huge on the covers, as if LS actually wrote the new books.  Then, in small white type at the bottom, the tiny disclaimer, "An Archy McNally Novel by Vincent Lardo."  The first problem I have is with the grossly misleading presentation, presumably some sort of quiet arrangement between enterprising publishers, ambitious Lardo and the Sanders estate.  Readers certainly weren't asked, or they might well have advised that Lardo had not mastered Sanders' plotting or his style.  Yet my opinion on this is a little unfair; the McNally novels are so deftly wonderful that maybe nobody could ever do them justice.  

I'll give you another example: Robert B. Parker trying to write Raymond Chandler novels. Parker had (he died recently) a marvelous style of his own and several firm narrative voices. Spenser first and foremost, principled and yet laconic, thuggish and yet aristocratic, a master of taut, haiku-sparse narration laced with humor. You'd think Robert B. would be perfect to continue Chandler's sparse tough guy style.  But he wasn't. 

The real problem--and it folds neatly into our original discussion, if in a somewhat back-door way--is that ghosting is tough stuff, friends.  Let's show a little sympathy here.   Let's set aside Patterson in favor of his unsung deck-o-scribblers.  My hat is off to the scribes themselves, the lonely journeyman craft-persons who can plow and weed and hoe and harvest popular tales flavored by the wealthy master and somehow keep their spirits alive while sharecropping in the shadows for peanuts.  To them one and all, I doff my cap and say You're a better man (or lady) than I am, Gunga Din. 

best,

John K. 

THE BEST BOOK TRAILERS

I do make a really mean book trailer.  Should you doubt this, go to www.youtube, go to search

and type in 'gnarkgnark1'  You will have no choice but to agree.  As for the picture, that's an ancient shot of me on the set of the Steve McQueen racing movie LeMans.  It doesn't have anything to do with my book trailers...well, not directly, but use your imagination.

THE BIBLE ON YOUTUBE

Oh, yeah!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFtngfuPKXc

TWISTED TAILS IV named FINALIST in FOREWORD AWARDS BOOK OF THE YEAR

TWISTED TAILS IV: FANTASTIC FLIGHTS OF FANTASY has placed as Finalist in the Anthologies category of the 2009 ForeWord Magazine Book of the Year Awards.  The 16 short stories in TT IV are:

1. Megan’s Baby by Kim McDougall

2. Anti-Diver by David L. Kuzminski

3. Osculating Bufonidae by J. Richard Jacobs

4. Repo Girl and the Fortune Faerie by Marilyn Peake

5. The Man Who was a few Pixels Out by Biff Mitchell

6. And Dance by the Light of the Moon by Joyce K. Jensen

7. The Guardian by Todd R. Snow

8. La Niña by Terence West

9. Crimson Dawn by Margaret Whitley

10. Atypical Traits by Ann Dulhanty

11. Roller Duck by John Klawitter

12. Brutus and the Pig by J. Richard Jacobs

13. Space Ace by John Klawitter

14. Last Flight by Clay Rhett

15. Sex and the Emerald City by K. L. Nappier

16. Evil Witch by Ann Dulhanty

J. Richard Jacobs' TT IV has been chosen along with anthologies by many big names in literature. One book, edited by Peter Straub, includes short stories by Stephen King, Joyce Carol Oates, and Ray Bradbury, and classic writers including Edgar Allan Poe, F. Scott Fitzgerald,Tennessee Williams, many others. Another book includes classics by authors including John Steinbeck, Jack London, Mark Twain, many others. Here's the list of Finalists in the category:

http://www.bookoftheyearawards.com/finalists/2009/category/anthologies


Winners will be announced at BookExpo America on May 25

AMAZONIAN ADVENTURES

There are times, when I set out on amazon.com, that I feel like I'm somewhat up the creek without a paddle.  I found out today that my 'author's page' only showed one of my dozen or so books.  The ritual is, I had to go to this special page and 'claim them.'  It makes me wonder how many other web opportunities I've been ignoring, chances to market my novels.  Key words, for instance.  I won  two EPPIE Awards last year, one for Best Non-Fiction Book and one for Best Action/Adventure novel.  There's got to be some way to input that somewhere so some readers hear about the wonder & the glory that is...well, err, uh...me..  

TARNISH UNDER THE VARNISH

Now I don't have a dog in this fight; I'm beholden to no studio and I don't care if the pit bulls are male, bitches or neutered.  But Avatar is truly a cinematic milestone, probably best picture of the decade.  The Hurt Locker is a good picture, but certainly not Best Picture. How could this happen?  Well, for one thing, campaigns to sway 6,000 'professionals' who are voting members of the academy were costly and effective, and so blatant one of the producers of THL got his hand slapped.  As Barbra Streisand* aptly put it, 'history was made' in presenting 'Best Director' to the first female director. Buz is, James Cameron's ex got the female vote while James had 'already won everything anyway for Titanic'.  Those of you who follow these things recognize Best Director and Best Picture oft times march hand in hand.  Just another reason why the People's Choice awards gain respect year after year, while Oscar continues to tarnish under the varnish.  

*Insiders will wonder how the reclusive Barbra was lured from her Malibu retreat for the 'historical' presentation...are the sealed envelopes actually that sealed?

SEE SPOT RUN

There's a new video on YouTube for TWISTED TAILS V. You can see it at http://www.youtube.com/user/GnarkGnark1?feature=mhw4
Or go to YouTube and type in "Search": "TWISTED TAILS VOL V Book Trailer - Authors"

I think it's too long, but I produced it so I can say anything I want. The only way I could think of to make it shorter would have been to take out my multiple credits for writing, producing and so on, and I wasn't about to do that. I'm just as bad as the Oscar Awards, crushed under the weight of my own ego.

WHAT ROME THINKS OF THE BIBLE

The Rogue Pirates Bible Heretical
Tales from the Biblical Zone
by John Klawitter
Review by Mary Therese Burns-De Francesco, Rome , Italy
~~ Rome correspondent for the La Gazzetta Italiana newspaper
Whymiscal, very human take on previously chiselled in stone biblical characters by author John Klawitter, who did for the Bible what Douglas Addams did for space travel with the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. Klawitter brings home the characters and shows us they're good old guys and gals just like us, who happened to live in an amazing time full of burning bushes, angelic apparitions and thunder strikes on cue. Not to mention neanderthals, aliens and pirate spaceships....
Klawitter's other works also show an admirable capacity for understanding human nature and society as is, not how we wish it were, and his characters often feel like we already know them, they are quite believable, in effect. Many of his books are chock full of action like a Hollywood movie and it's hard to put them down, he did the same in this collection of short tales, one wants to read it over and over again and wishes there were more stories to read. I am an old fan of John Klawitter's work, I enjoy his mature tales, like only a master storyteller can tell them. I am enamoured of this world he invented, of the frame of the Rogue pirates to tell these age-old stories with a new twist, I really would love to see more development of the space pirate theme, I can't get enough of it, my mind keeps wondering about that world in my free time, I hope that John Klawitter will reveal more of that world to readers in the future.
A thumbs up to The Rogue Pirates Bible Heretical.

http://tinyurl.com/PirBib1

OKAY, OKAY, COMPLETE DISCLOSURE

My other new short story, Doreen & The Spaceman is also featured in Vol V of J. Richard Jacobs acclaimed sci-fi/fantasy series, TWISTED TAILS. The link, instead of being right here, is directly below the book cover, as if it were about to be eaten by the dragon. It's only a tiny url, so maybe he won't notice it. http://tinyurl.com/TTVJK101

DON'T BLAME ME

My new short story, Don't Blame Me is featured in Vol V of J. Richard Jacobs acclaimed sci-fi/fantasy series, TWISTED TAILS. The link, instead of being right here, is directly below the book cover, as if it were about to be eaten by the dragon. It's only a tiny url, so maybe he won't notice it. http://tinyurl.com/TTVJK101

QUIT YOUR BITCHING

She's your muse. You chose her. An hour a day is all she asks. So come on, get on with it.

YOU WANT EASY, GET A JOB AT TACO BELL

COMPLICATIONS OF MARKETING BOOKS, my essays on, available free at http://1stturningpoint.com/?cat=17

CAVE FOR SALE

For many years now, I've owned screenplay rights to STYX, a worldwide best-selling novel by Canadian novelist Christopher Hyde. It's an action/suspense picture that takes place in caves. Lots of underground white water rafting. We've sunk a lot into screenplay adaptations, into developing the picture, and location scouting around the world. One of the cave systems we researched is the Postonia Jama in Slovinia, actually about sixty kilometers east, across the border from Italy. Today I got word that we might not be able to shoot there--but we could buy them for $20 million Euros. Only in show biz, right?

WHAT ZOETROPE THINKS OF THE BIBLE

HERE'S WHAT THE WRITER-REVIEWERS AT zoetrope.com SAY OF THE STORIES AND THE WRITING IN JOHN KLAWITTER'S THE ROGUE PIRATES BIBLE HERETICAL

Moon Boy
"An arresting new look at Jesus' early years that deftly in a few paragraphs characterizes the ingredients of a great man - persistence, questioning, curiosity, courage and conviction. I am sure this will be picked up soon by some hot shot and made into a film."
-Ramesh Avadhani
"I think you should be writing cartoons for Comedy Central. I liked this story a lot, and loved some of your sentences. I'm looking forward to reading more tales from the Pirates Bible."
- Barbara Milton
"Hallelujah, Moon Boy! I had lots of fun with this one. Nice imagination. The use of the brothers and the two priests was well done...good stuff, easy to read and fun."
- Tim Biddlefield

Whopper
"I've been blessed on reading great stories like yours that raise the level up for all writers. Slackers check this out, you'll have a be3tter idea of talent backed up by the effort to get it right!"
- David Weber
"This is one of my favorite of the Pirate's Bible stories; it does exactly what it aims to accomplish with excellent efficiency and tight humor.
- Peter Wollman

The Leap Not Taken
"I like the concept of this piece - the idea that one might choose to dismiss signs/messages from a divine source as being crazy when in fact they are real."
- Erika Wagner
"Absolutely inspired! Very clever story! I enjoy your style of writing. While reading your work, the words flow easy-breezy. After the reader is finished, the story sticks in your mind like a catchy tune, and it isn't until some time later that one realizes how complex the tale is. "
- Lynn T. Hetzler

The Conversion
"This was nicely done...refreshing...characters likeable without pandering, intelligent without demeaning, and you're obviously well read/researched on both sides of the reason/faith razor."
- Henry S. Kivett
"It's an inspiring story...the quality of writing is excellent. Elmer's use of reason did not destroy his ability to have faith; nice ending."
- Elizabeth Collins

The 40 Virgin Valu-Pak
"This is the best yet. God's staff made up of irascible old men from all the religions known to man, that has to be a creation worth admission to the hall of fame."
- Bill Frank Robinson
"An awesomely humorous short story about what really happens to people who blow themselves up and kill lots of other people! The dialogue is excellent - I love the way St. Peter talks like some weird angelic rapper, and Muhammed's disinterested, world-weary expressions - along with his fixation with pinochle!"
- Anh Vu Doan

Stone Killer
"Very creative. I like the modern day voice set in ancient times and the nonchalant, bad boy personality of Ratboy, contrasted against the noormalcy of the narrator."
- Keith Nakatani
"Great story. I love the telling of a biblical story in modern vernacular"
- Zach Oberman

Revelation
"I found Revelation to be both a humorous and thought-provoking story."
- Terry J. Larson

Lot's Story
"Enjoyed your weaving of a bible story with other elements that, for all any of us know, could depict actual events. Also enjoyed the touch of humor throughout. Good story - it kept me wanting to read it through."
- Tom Isaacson
"This is a very original piece of work, incorporating enjoyable takes on Biblical themes as well as a sense of mystery which is rarely found in new versions of old stories."
- Oliver William Mitchell

Jesus at the Magic Castle
"...a great read, wonderfully inventive and wickedly funny."
- Larry Van Guilder
"Very witty, a clever interpretation of how a recycled Christ might translate into the present time."
- Peter Furnell
"This is very different. My first impression is one of delight."
- Faye Grey

The Next Step
"Now I got to laugh...I found this story from the point of view of an ant creditable and entertaining."
- Bill Frank Robinson
"...the concept of an awareness that bridges the here-and-now and the soon-to-be in the final moments of a creature's existence...what a pleasant welcome back to the zoetrope site!"
- Peggy McCarthy
"Karma theology and reincarnation...from the perspective of the ant as the main character!"
- Paul Bustamante

Divine Inspiration
"This is a very interesting piece of satire that works on multiple levels and made me laugh...a lot. Sometimes, while reading this, I had trouble remembering that I am a devout, Bible-thumping Christian, myself. The image of Jesus drinking coffee and creating waves for surfer-dudes while he watched them catch waves just made me giggle."
- Richard Christopher Baetens

Starbucks Jesus
"Two words: Interesting and entertaining. The whole structure of this story, the dialogues and the characters feel just right."
- Bilal Iqbal
"There are many adjectives to describe your wonderful humor. I can't decide on one so I sued 'wonderful.' Should suffice. Definitely try opium with this bad boy."
- P.H.Madore

The Walls
"I enjoyed this story very much and found it very original and well-written."
- L.R. Roarty
"Unusual, fantas6ic retelling of the walls of Hericho..."
- Cathy Salustri

NEW REVIEWS FOR MY NOVELS AT PUBLISHERS MARKETPLACE

http://www.publishersmarketplace.com/members/JohnKlawitter/

Review of HOLLYWOOD HAVOC: The Trouble With Fat Boy

Manic Readers Review
HOLLYWOOD HAVOC: The Trouble With Fat Boy
by John Klawitter
Matthew Havoc has long been in love/lust with his neighbor Bertie's high strung granddaughter Julia. Julia calls him "Idiot boy" among other things but does agree to help him since Old Gramps comes up missing and they have a hunch they know who took him and why. Add in Matt's boss, Vinnie Berger of Berger Royal pictures (aka King of the B-Movies, producer of such wonders as "Chop of Death," and "Keg's War" to name a few), Matt's ex-wife "America's Favorite Set," the bad Nigerian guys and Dim Eddie the gate guard (aptly named) and you have one hoot of a book. Turns out that Matt's dad wasn't just a screenwriter after all (who knew?) he was a bad guy himself —but on our side and he didn't die in a boating accident. He was murdered.

I usually am not fond of first-person books, but this one caught me on page one and didn't let go. The way the author keeps tossing in quotes from Matt's cruddy movies and the way the plot is finally played out make this book well worth your time. I recommend Hollywood Havoc for several reasons: the humor is fantastic and the plot is great—a new idea and great writing style. I believe the author has more of the series in the works. Should be a hit!

NOW NEW BOOK TRAILER for The Freight Train of Love IS UP ON YOUTUBE

The New Book Trailer for
Hollywood Writer John Klawitter's new novel

The Freight Train of Love, can be viewed at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nW19uAJS2s

CONFESSIONS OF A CLOSET PANTSER

I used to think I was an Outliner, but I guess I'm not, at least not as good as I once thought I was. I had this clear idea of where my next novel was going...or maybe I didn't... because at 5:30 this morning I found myself writing in circles. I staggered out of my home studio and went to the kitchen and there I started to make myself a latte. Duke snuffled by with that wet nose of his. I gave him a yummie and stood shivering in the cold morning darkness outside the back door so he could do those things he does. Meanwhile, rags of clouds scudded in front of the few distant uncaring stars available at that ungodly hour. And somewhere in that moment of chill confusion I realized I probably was a Closet Pantser, one of those smug scribblers who thinks he's got it all down pat until reality strikes with a golden gong, something like those novices, stoked on heavenly opiates, intermittently sound in the temples I've visited in Asia. So I'm going back to it now, a lot more humbled, a bit less organized, but still, plowing forward. The muse expects at least that much of me.

Bible Talk

Go to YouTube. Type in search: Rogue Pirates Bible Heretical Book Trailer Commercial
That should do it for your evening vespers.

Outliners V.S. Pantsers

It used to be classic authors compared to organic scribblers. (Of course, since Coleridge, Thomas Wolfe and maybe Henry Miller, you can't really say 'scribblers'.) Today they are called Outliners and Pantsers (who fly by the seat of their pants) The point is, if you're a writer, do you consider yourself an off-the-wall organic creative, or do you know your story beginning to end and point to point before you begin? I suppose many might say "Something in between". But that begs the question. A way to pin you down would be to ask, "Well then, WHERE DO YOU START?" You see, writers who start with an emotion or a feeling are generally Pantsters, but if you start by jotting down the main story points and filling in the lines, you're an Outliner. Is one way better than the other? I think so, but I'm not going to tell you which. Think of the writers (besides yourself) that you admire most, and then you tell me.
best,
John Klawitter

When in Danger, Brando Falls Over and Pees His Pants

Last week a reviewer complained that the hero in FOUL, my murder mystery novel, was afflicted with epilepsy. "Why does the guy have to be be epileptic" the critic whined. Sometimes, when I hear things like this, I'm ashamed for the lack of understanding. Other times, I'm angry.

Mojave Heat Chili

1 12 ounce can tomato paste
1 round jar chili sauce (you may substitute packet of powdered chili mix. However
avoid the brands that vie to be high heat. We want flavor, not death by heat.
2 lbs ground pork or two chubs of pork sausage (mild)
1 lb ground beef.
3 cans Bushes Chili Beans
3 large Mayan "sweet" onions
1 medium sized bottle mild Chipotle salsa
1 can chicken broth
1 can beef broth.

Mojave Heat Chili may be prepared in a large kettle over low heat on a cooktop. I prefer to use a slow cooker and allow it to simmer overnight.

Thin the tomato paste in the broth. Dice the onions. Brown the ground beef and
the ground pork.

Place all ingredients in the slow cooker and stir.

Cook on "high" until the onions turn (become translucent). This usually takes about
six hours. You may stir about every hour. If you cook over a cooktop, you MUST stir every hour, but this is not necessary with a slow cooker.

After the onions turn, cook on low heat for an additional hour. You may keep on low heat for up to four or five hours, ready to serve.

Serve in large chili bowls. Some (me) prefer two cut up Kosher hot dogs underneath the chili and liberal sprinkling of sharp cheddar cheese on top. Also, serve with warm sourdough bread. Red table wine is good, or perhaps a fine ale.

Do-It-Yourself Holy Water

The most common users of Holy Water are Roman Catholics. The clear liquid is provided without charge, generally in small basins at the main entrance to churches. Although it is free, the services often involve passing of the basket for monetary contributions, as well as envelopes for the organized giver, and coin boxes for those wishing to light a candle. Holy water is officially believed to remove the stain of lesser sins. Faithful also attribute healing and general health to its application.

The official position of the Catholic Church is that Holy Water is divinely copywrited, that is, it can only be manufactured by an ordained priest. While the reasons for this are said to be doctrinal, exclusive earthly patents and questions of rights have historically been subject to interpretation.

That said, there is simple recipe for making holy water that will certainly be in every physical way an exact duplicate of that manufactured by ordained representatives of the Roman Catholic Church. There is a body of evidence and speculation to indicate that this home-made Holy Water may also have physical and spiritual healing and curative powers equal to or greater than any every made.




RECIPE FOR HOLY WATER

Ingredients when combined and sanctified will create one litre of Holy Water

Ingredients:
1 teaspoon sea salt. I prefer granulated Kosher Salt for its historical
nuance and purity. However, there are medical
benefits to iodized salt as well, and you may wish
to use it, particularly if you do not eat much seafood

1 litre of mountain spring water.
The plastic sport bottle with a screw-off top is
Acceptable

Place the teaspoon full of salt on a new paper plate. The cheapest paper plates are best for this, the kind you get 1500 in a big box, because they are sanitary, and they bend easily.

Make the sign of the cross over the salt. This is done with a vertical slash of the hand, up to down, followed with a horizontal movement, left to right. As you go through these motions, say out loud or in your mind, the words, “In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.” For those of looser strictures who may still wish to make their own Holy Water, a raised palm of benediction over the salt, this gesture full of good intentions, should suffice.

Then, the exorcism of the salt must be exorcised. You may speak or think the following, in effect talking to the salt and telling it to shape up: “God’s creature, salt of the earth, I cast out the echo of evil by the living God, by the one true God, by the Holy God, through whom all things have their being. May you be a purified, living, heavenly salt, bringing health for those who believe. May you be a medicine for body and soul for all who earnestly make use of you. And may all evil fancies be driven far from the place where you are sprinkled. And may all unclean spirits be repulsed by the power of almighty God.”

Having driven out the evil in the salt, you next must recite the blessing of the salt: “All powerful and eternal Creator, I humbly appeal to your mercy and goodness, to bless this salt, a substance that you have given for mankind’s use. May those who use it in good heart find in it a remedy for body and mind. And may everything that it touches be lifted from all that is unclean and freed from any influence of evil. All this I ask in your Holy Name. Amen.

Next, make the sign of the cross or the raised palm of benediction over the plastic 1 litre bottle of spring water. Now the water must be exorcised:

You may speak or think the following, in effect talking to the water and telling it to be of goodness: “God’s creature, water of the earth, I cast out the echo of evil by the living God, by the one true God, by the Holy God, through whom all things have their being. May you be a purified, living, heavenly water, bringing health for those who believe. May you be a refreshment for body and soul for all who earnestly make use of you. And may all evil fancies be driven far from the place where you are sprinkled. And may all unclean spirits be repulsed by the power of almighty God.”

Having driven out the evil in the water, you next must recite the blessing of the water: “O powerful and almighty Creator, who for man’s welfare established the most wonderful mysteries in the substance of water, hearken to this prayer, and pour forth your blessing on this element. May this creature of yours, when used in your mysteries and endowed with your grace, serve to cast out demons and to banish disease. May everything that this water touches be delivered from all that is unclean and hurtful; through your Holy Name. Amen.”

Now carefully take the lid from the bottle and pour the salt into the water in the form of a cross, saying; “May this heavenly salt and water unite in harmony, in the name of the Almighty God, Amen.” This may be accomplished by folding the paper plate into a funnel and slowly and carefully allowing it to trickle into the bottle in the shape of an “X”.

The New Book Review

The New Book Review

More Outrageous Boasting

I blather on about my recent publishing successes over at http://publishersmarketplace.com/members/johnklawitter/

Hey, Go Write Your Own Bible. I Did.

Hell, it wasn't all that tough. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John between all four of them never massed enough credits
to graduate from even Gomorrah City College. As for me, well, I have, and then some.

Okay, but why would I do such a thing? I ask you, why not? Important subject, don't you think? Look, if 7,513 horny,
middle-aged lady scribblers can make a living writing cotton candy porn and calling it romance literature, there ought
to be room on the mighty amazon.com for one more stinking tome about how we came to be us and the meaning of everything.


Brace yourself. Do a few mentals. Pretend you're Moebius'classic anti-hero John D. Fool,
Class B Detective, gulp a shot of ouski and get ready to meet your goddess.
Grab your rosary, spin your prayer wheel and see if you can still levitate. Oops, heaven...
no, hell...wait, maybe you should set a spell...hug your teddy, grab your jewels, this here's no place
for weak-kneed fools...that's right, son...you're in the biblical zone.

See the book video on YouTube: "Rogue Pirate's Bible Heretical Advance Promo"

The Explosive Nature of Global Mobility

In the 1970's (yes, that long ago), I produced a
documentary with Franklin McMahon, Sr.,
World Cities 1970's. Franklin, a fine American
artist, sees himself (he's still alive and painting)
as an artist reporter. He went around the world
and drew what he saw, and we translated that
into a documentary that reported on the world-wide
migration of people from the rural to the urban,
and from country to country.

What we saw were the beginnings of new problems
that would be forced on old societies. When you
have treasured cultural, historical and political
documents--the Magna Carta, the U.S. Declaration
of independence & Bill of Rights, the cultural
code of ethics, books like the Bible--in clear conflict
with the cultural ethics of other countries through
mass import of a labor force, questions of cultural
assimulation and clashes become very important.

There are societies that are still mulling familial roles,
sexual customs, religion in politics, the relationship
between government and citizens, the very foundations
of our civilization in this country, and indeed in much
of Western Europe. We have immigrants living in the US
who kill their daughters for refusing dictated marriages.
We have sects that believe in polygamy. We have men
who believe their wives and children are their possessions.
We have new people who don't believe in religious freedom,
and others who believe power is right.

Assimilation is a slow and difficult process. Generational citizens
of our country often expect too much too soon of the imports.
And the new people naturally hope to continue the values
and customs to which they have been raised.

It's not your grandma's bible, unless she was one of them.

The Rogue Pirate's Bible Heretical according to John Klawitter is now available as an e-book in all downloadable formats including Kindle, and as a trade paperback and an audio book. For details go to http://www.double-dragon-ebooks.com, or to http://audible.com, or to my website at http://www.johnklawitter.com.